A Raw Look at Life With Borderline Personality Disorder
I believe it’s one of the most misunderstood personality disorders in the Cluster B group.
You question everything, and when you aren’t questioning everything you are fucking up.
You over share to try and make sense of what is going on in your mind.
You hope others agree, and give you guidance because you don’t trust your own. With the oversharing comes guilt, regret and more self doubt. You will look completely crazy from the untrained eye.
People will think you’re over the top and dramatic. They will want you around until they don’t. You will develop strong bonds with people only to shove them away. And once you shove them away you try like hell to reel them back in. The “push and pull” dynamic is what keeps you alive, at least it makes you feel “something.”
And after you shove them away you will feverishly search your mind for good reason to defend your choices, er, mistakes. The story your disordered mind makes up is believable to a few, but not you.
You won’t trust anyone let alone yourself.
Your only sense of relief is maybe a bottle of alcohol, a shitty relationship or some other self destructive behavior that kills the crazy anxiety in your mind that “you are never enough.” The back and forth battle of your thoughts is exhausting, they never stop.
If you find someone to treat you like you’re enough, you will quickly show them why they’re wrong. You can’t be trusted. You aren’t reliable. What sounds good one day sounds horrible the next. You quickly learn to not commit to anything because your mind changes with the wind.
They don’t intentionally push people away, because after it happens they feel shame and guilt to why you just said and did what they did. they will want to isolate.
It’s a constant state of madness experienced by many but understood by few.
It’s like walking through a minefield waiting for the next explosion. The explosions are happening all around you while you subconsciously pray one takes you out. With each step you hold your breathe and hope it’s painless, but it never is.
Unfortunately, others are taken out before you. But you keep walking, one foot in front of the other, waiting, thinking your turn is next, as the carnage is mounting behind you.
Don’t think, just walk you tell yourself.
It could be your very next step.
The anticipation keeps us alive.