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Dead Man’s Email.
If you’re aware, the painful events in life can be the greatest lessons.
I sent the email, I hate myself for it! I hate I keep chasing an illusion that doesn’t exist. I look for some form of closure I never receive. It’s been 3 years of lies and manipulation, but I keep fighting for her.
I disrespected myself again, with another pathetic email quoting song lyrics and YouTube videos of memories. I do this no matter who is at fault with the last blow out. I usually cave and accept blame.
She would run off and cheat on me multiple times. I’d meet her at her house with open arms as she returned from the cheating escapade. I tried to understand the abuse she “says” she went through. Hoping and praying she would respond with a simple “thank you” or hell, I know I’m pushing it, but maybe “I’m sorry. I love you. let’s talk.”
I wanted more explanation than, “some things can’t be understood.” She told me this many times. What the hell does that mean? She always had the Mantra “Acceptance, Awareness, and Forgiveness”. I’m beginning to see why she used this “Mantra.” It was used to justify her shitty behaviors! It gave her a “hall pass” to abuse, manipulate, minimize and justify her actions.
This has been the last 44 months of my life. Chasing someone to “prove” I’m worthy of their love. Explaining my worth to someone that…
