How Did You Rebuild Your “Sense of Self” After Narcissists Abuse?

For me, a sense of self never existed it’s why I fell for the bullshit.

Photo by Ethan Hu on Unsplash

I had no idea who, or what I am. But I found this person that liked everything about me I didn’t know was there. She made me feel good with her words, but horrible with her actions.

In a fucked up way she gave me a false sense of self with a twist. It was all manipulation. I’m not sure she liked anything about me. She liked how I worshiped her and put up with all the lies, but she didn’t like anything about me. She loved how I enabled her abuse why she enabled my self destruction.

The kicker?

When you lack a sense of self is when you meet someone who abuses you to the point of more confusion. Many people who get involved with a narcissists has a lot of unhealed trauma they may, or may not be aware of.

Either way it will be brought front and center and slammed in your lap in the most vicious of ways.

I still believe most people that fall for the antics of a narcissists have some deep shit they need to work on within themselves they had no idea existed. No one wants to admit they are flawed to have put up with the bullshit. But the abuse goes way deeper than the manipulation itself.

I knew I had shit to work on, but not to this extent.

The only thing we had in common was we love to escape ourselves through drinking. The difference is I knew it was a problem, and she thought it was normal. By the end I was drinking to put up with my self disgust for allowing her to treat me the way she did. Then drank more to put up with the disgust I had for her.

We were nothing like she led me to believe. We had very little, if anything in common.

I may not have a sense of self. but I wasn’t the manipulative asshole that lies to people to suck them in a web of deceit. Then cheat, manipulate and play the victim all while trying to hide the demon she really was.

That chapter in my life is closed.

The next chapter is going to be a challenge. Might even be more than I can handle. But I can’t stop now. I never thought the obsession for her would leave. But it has, in a big way.

It’s disgust now. But I don’t hate her, I just don’t care about her or care how, or what she’s doing any more. She’s a stranger now that left their mark that I am in the process of washing off.

It took 48 years and a horrible person to show me what I lack in myself has nothing to do with others.

But everything to do with me.