Member-only story
I Wish I Didn’t Have Empathy
Sounds harsh, but try dating someone that doesn’t have it
At times I question if I do. I know I feel guilt. Is guilt a symptom of having empathy? I have no idea. I don’t have empathy for myself, but I have it for the most toxic people in my life. My feelings of guilt keep me stuck with a girl that could care less if I am or alive or dead. What does that say about me? Not much.
I project my lack of self-empathy onto her and give her what I need to give myself. Does that make sense? She is very good at playing the vulnerable victim to suck the life out of me. And when I don’t play into the script, she will flip it on me as the abusive one. She will minimize and justify her abuse, and if I don’t play along, she will gaslight me until I do.
Sometimes I think writing about this shit keeps me stuck, but it is my only sanity at this point. But at what point does it become self-sabotage? Do I want to help her? Or am I subconsciously trying to help myself? I have no idea; the trauma bond is so severe I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t even know if I am trauma bonded; that’s the scary part. Even more frightening is that I had a top coach in the Narcissism community tell me I am, but I won’t believe her. So, what does that say about me?
I’m wasting my life trying to save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. But see, I…
