The acceptance of not knowing is the answer
I’m by no means a therapist, life coach, or psychologist, but there seems to be a lot of overlap in Addiction and Narcissism. Both are selfish assholes and will rip the souls out of loved ones to get their fix. Truly sick shit.
I missed a phone call from her at 11.40 pm on Thursday because I was asleep. I wake up and do my regular routine. While sitting and warming my car, I noticed I had a missed call from the previous night. It’s her! She didn’t leave a voicemail but left me a message on Whatsapp that said, “she is reaching out.”
See, she never reaches out when she disappears or gets angry with me, and it’s always me running back. I felt like I was making significant progress this time. I was holding the no contact, but still, she was in the back of my mind, and I worried about her. I just finished a session with Meredith Miller of Inner Integration that went well. She confirmed I was on the right path and to keep reading the list of all the horrible things my ex did to me to break the Cognitive Dissonance.
I was able to hold out a couple of hours before I broke the no contact and wrote her and left a message on Whatsapp. Of course, they go unread, more games from her. She causes me to panic, and I react and reach out, scared she may need me or my help. See, she loves to play these games. She is good at gaslighting me and telling me I am the one that reels her in and then pushes her away. Maybe I do at times, such a sick fucking game.
What it was is she was drunk and reached out. She probably forgot she did it. She usually does that when she upsets one of the other men she talks to, and they quit talking. She knows I will always be waiting with open arms and can’t say no. I need to say no, one of my greatest weaknesses. What does this say about my self-worth? Not much, I know.
Saturday morning, I got an email that she is on the verge of a “mental breakdown” and might not make it but told me she will be “fine.” More manipulation then goes silent. I can see the manipulation, but I am so damn trauma bonded I can’t break free. It is literally killing me. Then she unblocks me and sends me a text, and I respond, not the way she wants me to, and she blows up at me and blocks me again. Then sends another…