Narcissism Ruins More Relationships Than You Think

Another one bites the dust

Photo by Austin Ban on Unsplash

One person I never thought would abandon me did just that. She got tired of my shit too. I seem to have a habit of this. I’ll build a great friendship, then toxic traits continue, and off they go.

But are they true friends if they bail? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know.

But I know ever since my relationship with a very abusive person, I’ve developed some great connections with others, whom I would call friends, but they never last. Could it be I’m still connecting with toxicity when I think they are friends?

I attach to people too quickly; I know I do, and I will offer trust right away. It’s sad in a sense. I just want to be heard and understood like most, but I go about it all wrong.

I push people to treat me poorly and abandon me at a subconscious level. But with my ex, she gave me what my inner child craved, the “words” of love, but her actions spoke to what I’m used to, abuse.

I give trust away, but in reality, I trust no one. I don’t even trust myself.

What’s the answer to this vicious cycle? I guess sitting with myself. Everything I read to do just that, sit with it, feel it, do the work. What’s the fucking work? What is sitting with myself?

I spend 12 hours a day in my tiny studio with my thoughts, and when my thoughts begin to terrorize me, I escape through unhealthy distractions. And possibly reach out to my ex, the one person that doesn’t give a fuck.

I’m hoping the light is close because this shit is killing me. I don’t have the answers, but I wish they would show up.

Maybe they have, and I won’t listen.