What it Feels Like to See The One You Love With Someone Else
It hurt like a mother fucker because I wasn’t aware of just how much I loved her until that day.
My feelings went from love to hate, to anger, to guilt, back to love then settled on confusion and rejection.
I pulled up and saw another guy walking out of her house. Yea, I’m codependent, but she told me things no one ever has and made me feel good about myself for once in my life. And I fucking believed the bitch.
That was my first mistake.
My body went numb, no shit. Then I began breathing heavily, and it was the most gawd awful empty feeling of desperation that can’t be described.
I’m unsure if that feeling is typical or if it’s just another fucked Up, exaggerated emotion from another codependent like myself.
It feels hopeless as well as helpless. Because she chose someone else that day, and there was nothing I could do about it. No amount of pathetic begging would change it.
I treated her as well as a guy could, but I realized it mattered at that moment — nothing I could have said to change her mind or done, for that matter.
I meant nothing to her, nothing. She walked away from my car that day, got in the other guy’s car, and drove off to “day drink.”
Then when she finally answered my phone calls of desperation, she told me I was fucking crazy and hung up on me. Later I learned this was a pattern of hers — a really evil piece of shit.
Until this day, I still get a slight nausea thinking about that day. But I became accustomed to it. She would choose many other men over me, but for some sick reason, I stayed with her and kept trying to prove my worth for over five years.
I realized I was trying to prove it to someone who doesn’t matter. She treats everyone like she treated me, then blames the people she abused because of their reaction to her ABUSE.
It’s been three months since I’ve seen her disgusting ass.
And it’s questions like this that remind me I have to keep working on myself and know I deserve better. GOD, I deserve so much better.