Member-only story
What Story Are You Feeding Your Life? The Light or The Dark?
At times life can seem unbearable. When this happens is usually because you are feeding the wrong life.
I, for one, am a dark feeder. The more I feed it, the darker it gets. I will even bring volunteers to audition and see if they will support my leading role. I love the dark; that is where it feels safe. It’s a place of self-loathing and self-deprecating behavior; I create that feels impossible to escape at times.
I will allow light in at times, but it is too bright, and I can’t live with that. I’ve been conditioned to live, breathe and function in the darkness. I’ve conditioned myself that it is safe here. I judge myself before I give anyone a chance. I am exactly who everyone thinks and wants me to be. I let a little of my actual self show in the light, and that scares me.
There is a lot of self-sabotaging behavior in the darkness. It can get lonely here, don’t confuse this with being alone because it is entirely different. When I am lonely, it’s me and my terrorizing thoughts. When this happens, I will bring substances, toxic relationships, or unhealthy coping mechanisms to shove me deeper into the abyss of darkness.
