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When Trauma is The Path That Leads Me Home, But I Want to Heal
We gravitate to what’s familiar, even if it’s abuse
I’ve finally come to the conclusion I fucking love chaos and abuse. My subconscious mind craves it! If I don’t get it, I will create it or seek it out. Not because I want it, but because it’s what’s comfortable to me. Our brains are wired to avoid pain or discomfort, even if the discomfort is abuse. Abuse can feel comfortable to those that have experienced childhood trauma. Does that make sense?
When my mind senses change, AKA discomfort, I automatically default to comfortable distractions, escape and abuse. It’s a vicious cycle to be caught up in, but I know I am on the right path to break the cycle as long as I am aware.
I’ve also discovered two people are living in my head. I know it may sound nuts, but it is true; hear me out. There is a rational Chris, the one that is aware. He knows what he needs to do to initiate change and become a better person and heal. Then there’s the irrational Chris, the one that chases toxicity, escape, distractions, and all forms of chaos. This rational guy came along about a year ago and fucked everything up! The irrational Chis is my default, and it’s what I have known for the last 40+ years of existence.
