Whoever Says it’s Easy Leaving an Abusive Relationship is Lying
Either that or you’ve never been trauma bonded
When I think of leaving an abusive relationship, I think of women, not men. Men aren’t supposed to be struggling with this shit. They are supposed to “man up,” kick the bitch to the curb and move on, right? Men are the ones that cheat, and lie, not women! If you haven’t experienced trauma bond, consider yourself lucky.
Maybe I’m not your typical man. Perhaps I’m weak? Maybe I’m not the alpha male that runs around with his chest puffed out, acting all hard? I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I don’t like it. This four-year relationship has stolen a part of my soul and sanity.
I saw all the red flags initially, but I ignored them. I ignored them all and dove in headfirst on a monster rebound. My gut told me what I was dealing with, but I wouldn’t listen to it. She was persistent and wouldn’t give up. It was her mission to hook me and bury my soul and what little self-worth I had left after my previous relationship.
I was raised in a family where “no” wasn’t in the vocabulary and boundaries didn’t exist. My sole existence as a kid was to please others and the fuck with my own needs and feelings. Pick me, pick me! What better person to be a slave to a soul-sucking Covert Narcissist than myself?
Do you know what it’s like to fucking hate someone but to crave their touch? Do you know what kind of fucking hell that is to live in? Do you know the demons battled hourly within my own mind of every shitty thing she did to me while I am consumed with guilt for the ways I reacted to her abuse?
Now, try doing it sober! It fucking sucks! It would be so easy for me to pull the “old Chris.” Walk across the street and grab me a 6pk of Coors 16oz cans to start my night of drowning these fucking feelings out. Drink myself into the depression that I have learned to adapt as second nature. Only to promise myself in a few hours when I’m on my way across the street again for the second round that I will start again tomorrow.
After the first time she cheated on me four fucking years ago, I’ve been drowning my feelings some way or another. Hell, I’d even soothe the abuse with the abuser herself! How fucked up…